It's All So Overwhelming

I was looking at some old photos and they really depressed me. Every photo I look at I notice something about myself that I hate. I hate who I was then, and I hate who I am now.

I try to be better, but I fail and it makes me angry and it makes everyone around me angry.

This week I heard several stories while talking with people about my inability to make a change.

I explained how I see myself as being a bad person through my thoughts and my actions, even though I try hard not to be.

I see these same bad traits in most everyone, and the fact that others see them in everyone surprised me.

One person thought that people are just dumb, and I agreed that some are dumb, but there is a much darker motive to their actions.

I don't know if it is the human condition that makes us this way, or if we are just animals doing what animals do, or if it is society that causes this behavior, but it worries me.

Always having to second guess motives and always having to look over your shoulder is not a good feeling.

A perfect example was today in the elevator one of the drug users / dealers that lives on my floor, he asked if I lived on this floor. Now he knows who I am and I know who he is and he knows I live on this floor, so what was his motivation for asking.

What was he really saying, and thinking. He is up to something. I hate living in fear. I hate living here, but I have nowhere else to go.

I was talking with one of the neighbors and they said be grateful you are not living under the bridge. When I asked what they meant, and if there were people actually living there, I was told there was.

I remember when I was a kid going to the Troy Public Library and seeing photos from the 1930's showing shanty towns down by this bridge. I saw what it looks like today, and aside from the clothing, if you took a black and white photo today and put it next to the the one from the 1930's you would have a tough time telling which photo was taken when.

This is not how America, or anywhere in the world, should be. We should be better then this. The lack of compassion, the total disregard for human life actually makes me nauseous.

I always think I am a bad person because I don't care about a lot of things, and I don't feel compassion for others. I'm not sure if other people don't feel it either, or if they just don't care, but on the scale of zero to ten, if I'm a 2, then those with the power, who could fix the problem, that don't must be a zero.

I saw a story on PBS about homeless people in NYC and how this non-profit group said that the opion of the city was wrong and that people don't want to live on the street. To that end, they started getting homeless drug addicts apartments, paying the rent, utilities, etc..

The city said this was bad and tried to put a stop to it. They said they would use the apartments as drug dens. It turned out that all the people that they gave apartments to got clean and sober, some for the first time in their lives. Some got jobs. The Cities response, We don't have 3 grand a month to give to these people for apartments and utilities, etc..

So basically what they said was, yes we know they don't want to be on the street, your program works, but we want to put a stop to it anyway because ( I don't know why ) . They brought up the fact that once these people wind up in prison it costs 30K a year and they have the money then. So what is the real agenda ?

It seems pretty clear to me. This is just one example, there are thousands, and how anyone can go through the day and ignore these issues, I just don't understand.